Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing
over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives
up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When
she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800
dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the
bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"

**Moral of the story**
If you share critical information pertaining to financial matters
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely
leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at
him and immediately said, Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced him-
self to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is
weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, and you will find glory."

**Moral of the story**
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Corporate Lesson #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub
it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want
to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of piña coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office right after
lunch."

**Moral of the story**
Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"

The crow answered "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

**Moral of the story**
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.


Corporate Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the
energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was, proudly

perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

**Moral of the story**
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Corporate Lesson #6
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must
outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.

Every morning, a lion also wakes up, knowing that it must run
faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

**Moral of the story**
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion When
the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass.

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Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
at all true. I have the heart of a young boy... In a jar...
On my desk.
-- Steven King

Sign Language

How do mathematicians communicate?
Sine language.

How do hyperbolic mathematicians communicate?
Hypersine language.

How do biblical prophets communicate?
Heavenly Sign language.

How do astrologers communicate?
Star Sign language.

How did the Israelites in the Promised Land communicate?
Zion language.

How do picketing traffic engineers communicate?
Sign language.

How do naval cadets communicate?
Ensign language.

How do couturiers communicate?
Design language.

How do lighthouse keepers communicate?
Shine language.

How do real estate closers communicate?
Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and sign...
language.

How does everyone communicate on December 31st?
Old Lang- syne -uage.

How did Gertrude communicate at the Bavarian Oktoberfest?
She used Stein language.

How do heirs communicate?
Scion language.

How do lovers communicate?
Sighin' language.

How do tech writers talk?
Manually.

[Thanks to Marsha Coleman]

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2 Rides


A man took a ride in a stunt plane. The pilot dove and spun,
putting the plane through its entire repertoire. When they landed
the passenger gasped, "Thank you for the rides!"

"That was only one ride," said the pilot.

"I'll call it two." said the man. "My first and my last!"

Out Of Office Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if
I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out
of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until
I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your
mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional
word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection
and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that
when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this
over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to
receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret'
instead of 'Jay'.

9. I am currently out of the office. Well, not really. But with
the amount of mail I get, this is the only way to deal with
it. You can interpret my quick and timely response to your
question as a "Definite Maybe".

10. I am currently attending a middle management seminar on office
safety. Come and join us! It's at Joe's Bar and Grill down the
street.

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Sleeper's Wanted


Urgently in need of sleeping cars a Canadian Railroad inserted the
following advertisement in one of the trade journals.

"300 Sleepers Wanted. Needed at Once."

A short time later they received a letter from a minister of a
church in Iowa offering his entire congregation.

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If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
-- Benjamin Franklin

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I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.

love

LOVE your self,
flirt with your understanding,
romance with dreams,
get engaged with simplicity,
marry genuiness,
divorce the ego,
That is life

woman language

she told=meaning
^
Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today
you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with
me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

try this

This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable...
At Microsoft the whole team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why
this happened!
It was discovered by a Brazilian.
Try it out yourself...

Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200,99)
and then press ENTER


And Here is some update

This is not something which Bill Gates doesn't know...

rand() is a Win32 API which is used to generates random numbers.... which is quite common in VC++ programming...



The function '= rand (200,99)' is compiled instead of taken as text.... in MS WORD

The output of this will be a default string 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.' which will be displayed (checkout this string contains all the alphabets)



This string will be displayed in 200 lines with 99 times in each line...



Note: If you want MS WORD to read =rand(200,99) as text then do the following in MS WORD:

Format --> AutoFormat --> Options --> AutoCorrect (Tab) --> Uncheck 'Replact text as you type'

wake up

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Achtung Baby!

Joke

One night a guy took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to bid each other goodnight at
the front door,
the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence,
he leaned with his hand against the wall and
smiling,
he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?
" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents
will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?
" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
.
"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on,
and the girl's older sister showed up in her
pajamas,
hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss,
or I can do it. Or if need be,
mom says she can come down herself and do it,
but for God's sake and all of ours....
why.......????
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TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL ! !

prayer

New Definitions

In a contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an
_expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new
definition

The Year 2001 Problem
How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year
2000 problem.

Catch-23
Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

Fortune 501
Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

Dressed to the Eights
Impeccably attired with white socks.

Six Brides for Seven Brothers
Someone's gonna get hurt !

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs
The title, before they expelled Gassy.

Five Eyes
Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of
you is wearing a monocle.

665
The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother,
Chris.

Ways To "Spice Up" The Office

Here's a few ways to spice up your office. Pick two or three
colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points
as follows:


ONE POINT
- Run one lap around the office at top speed.
- Walk sideways to the photocopier.
- Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
- When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of
coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
- Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name
and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
-- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
ears and grimace.
- While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the
doors open.

THREE-POINTS

- Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get
all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
- Double points if you do this to a manager.
- Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle.
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

- At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be
nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra
points if you actually launch into it yourself).
- Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you
with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
- For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
- Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "Really have to go
do number two".
- After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for at
least one hour.
- While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
- In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
- In a colleague's diary, write in; 10:00 a.m. "See how I look in
tights."
- Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "So, ya wanna
trade?"
- Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't
talk about it"
- Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a
very important conference call.

Learning To Fish

Before getting married, my fiance thought it would be a good idea
for me to get to know her young nephew Dylan. Wanting to make a
good first impression, I selected one of my favorite sports to
bond with him - fishing. I told seven-year-old Dylan that I would
share my secrets to fishing success with him during the special
outing.

Having never fished before, he was excited, to say the least. I
prepared all of the tackle, purchased the worms, packed the snacks
and headed out to pick him up just after sunrise. Having stayed
out late the night before, I decided to purchase an extra large
coffee for the trip. This was not a good idea. I had to urinate
several times and repeatedly went downstream to do so behind a
tree. To save face, I told Dylan that I was just walking up and
down the creek to scout out the "hot spots" for fish.

We had a wonderful time. Dylan learned how to put on a worm, tie
a knot and cast, as well as practice the rules of fishing
etiquette. And besides the many laughs and silly moments we
shared, we also caught lots and lots of fish!

Upon returning home, my future sister-in-law asked an excited
Dylan to share his Uncle Ryan's best "fishing secret" with her. I
wondered if he would tell her about the special casting or baiting
Techniques I taught him, or possibly the time-of-day rules, or one
of my many other secrets.

To my surprise and embarrassment, Dylan replied, "That's easy. If
you want to catch fish, you have to pee on them first!"

Having A Baby

A four year old little boy, while waiting with his mother in the
doctor's office, walked over to a pregnant lady and staring
inquisitively asked, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big wide eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good
baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why
did you eat him?"

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Misunderstood


A political hopeful visiting a local elementary school recently
for a photo-op declared, "When it comes to kids, I am
accountable!"

Children ran screaming in all directions.

They thought he said, ". . . .A CANNIBAL!".

The 6-6-6 of Love

6 weeks: I love you.
6 months: Of course I love you.
6 years: If I didn't love you, I would have split a long time ago.

6 weeks: Good evening, my love, I'm hooooome!
6 months: Hi. Nice day?
6 years: Any mail for me?

6 weeks: Don't move; I'll get you a drink
6 months: Want me to get you a beer?
6 years: Well? Where's my beer, dammit?

6 weeks: Darling, it's your mother on the phone.
6 months: It's for you.
6 years: Can't you hear the PHONE?????

6 weeks: You didn't have a great childhood.
6 months: It's true that your parents are awful.
6 years: It's obvious where you got THAT!

6 weeks: Let's go to Nepal.
6 months: You really want to go to Nepal?
6 years: What's wrong with here?

6 weeks: I thought that this necklace might please you.
6 months: A vase is always useful.
6 years: Here's 20 bucks. Buy what you want.

6 weeks: What would you like to see?
6 months: What about let's seeing "Evita" instead?
6 years: I saw "Evita." You should plan to see it.

6 weeks: It's not serious; don't spoil your make-up.
6 months: Watch it, will you?
6 years: God! you're clumsy.

6 weeks: I'm not really in agreement with that.
6 months: Now there's where you're wrong!
6 years: Are you stupid or what?

6 weeks: And besides, you're a great cook.
6 months: What's for dinner?
6 years: Sheesh! pasta again?

6 weeks: What would you like to drink?
6 months: I want a bourbon on the rocks.
6 years: Sheesh! You forgot the ice... again!

6 weeks: That dress looks good on you.
6 months: Another new dress?
6 years: You're not going to wear THAT, are you?

6 weeks: Let's go visit your parents.
6 months: Not this week. I've got work to do.
6 years: How were your parents?

6 weeks: Ooops. You made my hard drive crash, love.
6 months: Sheesh! You could be more careful.
6 years: Don't ever touch my computer again!

6 weeks: I mowed the lawn. Ain't it neat?
6 months: I don't have any gas for the mower.
6 years: This weekend, it's your turn.

6 weeks: You're right, it could use a dash of salt.
6 months: This is a little blah, eh?
6 years: You're just as bad a cook as your mother!

6 weeks: Mmmmm. That perfume drives me crazy.
6 months: Don't you think the perfume is a bit strong?
6 years: Sheesh! Did you take a bath in it?

6 weeks: I made reservations at a cool restaurant.
6 months: No, really, I'm just not hungry tonight.
6 years: No, I'm not coming in late. Why do you think so?

6 weeks: I brought home your favorite movie.
6 months: You're sure you want to watch that?
6 years: Sheesh! Not during the football game!

6 weeks: Tonight, we're going out like lovers on a date.
6 months: Do you care if Maury stays for dinner?
6 years: So what if it's ten of 'em.? These are my PALS!

6 weeks: I like Chinese lit, philosophy, and modern poetry.
6 months: Have you seen my MAD magazine?
6 years: You forgot to bring me a TV Guide!

Divorce

A woman walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "Is it true that if
I get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?"

"Well," answers the lawyer, "The lawyers get their fees, of course,
but it is usually the case that the woman would get at least half,
and perhaps even a bit more than half. Are you ready for a
divorce?"

"Not quite yet," the woman replies. "First, I've got to get
married."

Who's On First?

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT Mac?

COSTELLO No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT Your computer?

COSTELLO I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.

ABBOTT Mac?

COSTELLO I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT What about Windows?

COSTELLO Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT Wallpaper.

COSTELLO Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT Software for Windows?

COSTELLO No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write
proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have
you got?

ABBOTT Office.

COSTELLO Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT I just did.

COSTELLO You just did what?

ABBOTT Recommend something.

COSTELLO You recommended something?

ABBOTT Yes.

COSTELLO For my office?

ABBOTT Yes.

COSTELLO OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT Office.

COSTELLO Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?

ABBOTT Word.

COSTELLO What word?

ABBOTT Word in Office.

COSTELLO The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch
movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT Real One.

COSTELLO If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4.
Can I watch them?

ABBOTT Of course.

COSTELLO Great! With what?

ABBOTT Real One.

COSTELLO OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do?

ABBOTT You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT The blue "1".

COSTELLO Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO What word?

ABBOTT The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
world.

COSTELLO It is?

ABBOTT Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO And that word is real one?

ABBOTT Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't
even part of Office.

COSTELLO STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT Money.

COSTELLO That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT Money.

COSTELLO I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT Money.

COSTELLO Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT One copy.

COSTELLO Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT Click on "START"..........

[Thanks to Les Pourciau]

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Politeness Counts


At an immunization clinic, giving shot to children could be very
trying. One day as the nurse entered the examining room to give
the five year old her shot, the little girl started shouting, "NO!
NO! NO!"

"Mandi," scolded her father. "That's not polite behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK
YOU!"

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SUCCESS: To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent
people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of
honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to
appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world
a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a
redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't
want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

What's Your Problem

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.
No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work
on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run
to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person,
a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real
conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around
you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the
office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same
downtrodden look on his face.

"Didn't my advice work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked okay." replied the man. "For the past several weeks
I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most
fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Jokes

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up!'"





Three old men are sitting in the hospital talking about there new problems. The 60 year old man say "I have to pee at 7 am everyday". He says "it's like clockwork, everyday at 7am over and over have to pee at 7." The 70 year old man says "thats nothing. I have to take a crap at 7:45 everyday. it's like clockwork. Day after day at 7:45." The 80 year old man says "thats nothing I have to do both at 8 o'clock everyday." Both the 60 year old and the 70 year old man says whats wrong with that? The 80 year old man says "I don't get up til 11:00 am."

female_professional

class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
};

class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};
class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
};
class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
{
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
};
class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void love_life();
char money_minded;
};

PICTURES THAT PLAY WITH YOUR MIND!