Monday, February 27, 2006

LITTLE VITO ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence,
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little
Vito.
He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your
thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MATH

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in
arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said ' 6," replies Little
Vito.

"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Vito's father..

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH

Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."

LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR

Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out
beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night
at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and
he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful".

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to
him,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No, He minded his own fucking business!