Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Dear...

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my
hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you
don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

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Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad it doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week. The
first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!", but
my mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything
nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because
the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work
it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten
million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone!

Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from
me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.